Moving forward is something we all hear at one time or another. What does that mean to you? Does it mean move on with your life and get over that someone you cared about that left you? Does it mean you can find another job? Does it mean you can get another house? Or does it mean you can outrun the nightmare that keeps repeating? To me, moving forward means that you can TRY to outrun the repetitive nightmare, but it doesn’t mean you can.
I have been steadily moving forward for the past four years. That’s about the time my nightmare should have stopped. It didn’t! No, I am living the nightmare everyday even though I keep moving forward.
I move forward with my children. I give them love, support, stability and try not to show them my fears. My daughters have moved forward beautifully because of what I do for them. I keep the nightmares to myself. I believed that there was no reason for them to know what was still going on. because of that, they are all honors students. Students have earned college credits and not yet left high school. One wants to be a vet, one wants to be a model and is well on her way. One wants to be a business owner and is doing a great job! The youngest wants to be all she can be 🙂 I am so proud of them for having the ability to move forward.
Unfortunately though, the nightmare has re-presented itself. It had manifested it’s way back into our lives and not only is it affecting us, but it is drawing in others. It seems that unfortunate neighbors reap the effects that even the slightest bit of help seems to deal out.
I thought that a divorce was in the correct stepping order of moving forward. WRONG! It seems to have triggered something much more vial in my nightmare than I ever thought existed, and this comes from a woman that nearly died. The nightmare visited me again last night, though I did not get much sleep. You see, this is a living nightmare that just won’t allow me to have the pleasure of moving forward the way moving forward ought to be.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to feel like a real woman again. To not feel the fear, to not agonize over what may happen next, to not live life expecting the worst, is how I would like to move forward. To have someone new in my life to hold hands with, to talk to or just watch a movie or take a walk on the beach would be a wonderful way to move forward. However, the nightmare won’t allow it. the nightmare continuously haunts me and nothing can be done. I have moved and yet the nightmare began less than a month later. Now I may move again and see if the nightmare remains or diminishes. Who knows? maybe the nightmare will get lost and I will finally be allowed to move forward.
I envy those who can and do move forward. I can relate to those who can not. I believe that I will escape the nightmare someday and be able to move forward. In the meantime, I’ll continue to write.